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| Corinne Colbert |
We're supposed to look better, eat better, find better jobs, be
better lovers and parents and workers. Perfection is the goal. But
at what cost?
My husband is not my best friend. He doesn't complete me. In
fact, he can be a self-absorbed jerk. We're nearly polar
opposites: He's a lifetime member of the NRA who doesn't care
for journalists, and I'm a lifelong liberal with a journalism
degree. On the other hand, he doesn't beat or emotionally abuse
me. He doesn't drink or chase other women. He's a good provider.
So I'm sticking with him.
Some people would call that "settling," like it's a bad thing. But I believe in settling. The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines "to settle" as "to place in a desired state or order; to quiet, calm or bring to rest; to make stable." In short, it means that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Alas, too many of us buy into a different adage: that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. From movies to magazines to commercials, we're told we should demand more from lives that are, for many of us, pretty good. We're supposed to look better, eat better, find better jobs, be better lovers and parents and workers. A stable marriage isn't enough; it's supposed to be a fairy tale. Perfection is the goal. But at what cost? Would I really be any happier if I took up yoga and ate more soy? If my spouse wasn't just my partner, but also was my soul mate? I doubt it. Settling, in my sense, is about acceptance. I'm a pretty happy person, in large part because I'm honest with myself about what I have. My body isn't bikini-worthy, but it's healthy. I'll never write for Rolling Stone as I once dreamed, but I am making a living as a writer. I yell at my sons and let them play too much GameCube, but I'm still a good mom. Of course, some situations are worth improving. If your weight jeopardizes your health, exercise and change your eating habits. If your job makes you truly miserable, find a new one. If your marriage is toxic, end it. Chances are, though, you probably have what you need: a roof over your head, food on the table, a job that pays the bills, and family and friends. If you're unhappy, ask yourself: Am I unhappy because I really don't have what I need, or because I just want more? So, yes, I'm settling. Sure, I wish my husband would kiss me more often, tell me he loves me every day, and get as excited about my accomplishments as I do. Emptying the dishwasher without being asked and giving me unsolicited foot massages wouldn't hurt, either. All that would be nice, but it's not necessary. I'm happy with my husband who, despite his flaws, is a caring father, capable of acts of stunning generosity and fiercely protective of his family. Thinking about him may not set me on fire as it used to, but after 17 years and two kids, our love is still warm. And I believe that's good enough. Newsletter writer Corinne Colbert lives with her family in Athens, Ohio. She is also president of her local parent-teacher association, through which she often talks with other mothers about their expectations of themselves and their marriages. Photo courtesy of Corinne Colbert This essay is copyrighted material. No reproduction or excerpting is permitted without written consent of This I Believe, Inc. To read and hear other essays, and to submit your own, visit the "This I Believe" web site. |
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| Anonymous |
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of
water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer
replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how
long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a
problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right
arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it,
the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, learn when to "settle" that for now, you've done enough. Don't carry work burdens home. You can pick them up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it! Settle for what you have and your accomplishments, at least for the time being. |
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