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August 2008 netPsychologist.com Newsletter
Tools and Tips For Success With Family Relationships
  It's time for schools to open again, so here's a test for you. Hope you pass! (Don't cheat!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question A: Did (some still do) primal peoples charge a price for brides because:
  1. This was a way for families to make some money, by charging for daughters.
  2. Women are thought of as chattel, things to be bought and sold.
  3. It is a way of prompting young husbands to take good care of their wives. Because she cost him (or his family) something, she now has worth. The husband will think twice before abusing or neglecting the valuable wife.
  4. It is a way to make sure the husband is serious about marriage and to remind the couple marriage is not to be taken lightly.

Question B: Personal relationships are:

  1. Living entities and if not cared for and nurtured will wither and die like a plant or pet or child
  2. Like businesses: to be evaluated on a cost/benefit basis. And if the benefit does not out way the cost, they are "spun off" or otherwise discarded.
  3. The most abused organic creatures in America. Pets are taken better care of than marriages and friendships.
  4. Misunderstood in America and as a result, few people know how to birth, rear and foster relationship growth and healthy development, witness the 50% and higher death rate of marriages.

 

Question C: Healthy, intimate long term relationships:

  1. Require at minimum, the "Three T's" to survive; Touch, Talk (about significant personal issues) and Time (to do the first two).
  2. Add quality to adult human life. However, most American men will take their cars in for regular servicing before they take their relationship with an intimate partner to counseling for "servicing".
  3. Are lower in priority in terms of care and attention than the relationships with the children those relationships produce.
  4. Are scary, difficult and expensive in all ways: emotional, financial, physical, and spiritual, etc. (But then so are houses, cars, TVs, wardrobes, vacations and computers.)

 

Question D: This is not a test but rather a lecture:

  1. True
  2. False

 
Boomers Wanted: Apply Below
    Memoir As Family Treasure fountain pen
"Take any ten years of your life, reduce them to two pages and every sentence has to be three words long - not two, not four, but three words long. - - - - When you're done, run your mind over everything the way a safe cracker sand papers his fingers to feel the clicks. If there is one sentence that hums, or gives off sparks, you've hit the jackpot. Then write another two pages starting right there." (from Thinking About Memoir, Abigail Thomas)

"Your autobiography is more than just another book. It's a process of self-discovery, an opportunity to acknowledge the important influences and people in your life, and a chance to tell your story as only you can.

So, add memories and stir. That's all there is to it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Now get writing that story of yours---it's already been a lifetime in the making." from Writing My Life, Alison Bing)

One of my daughters recently handed me a copy of "Writing My Life". She said, "Dad, get writing! I want you to leave something behind that reminds me of who I am, where I came from." She's the same daughter who has poured over my mother's memoirs.

Boomers, we aren't here for long. Leaving behind advance directives is a must. Leaving behind some sort of record of our lives is also a must. Our descendants will have come from an emotional and family context that gives meaning to their lives and how to live them. The more information they have about that family history, the better they can give clear meaning to their existence on this planet.

 
Families That _____ Stay Together.
Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D.   Fill In The Blank
You've heard the adages: "Families who pray together, stay together." or "Families who play together,stay together." or "Families who eat supper together, stay together." or "Families who go to the farmer's market on Saturday mornings, stay together." You may have made up your own adage or adopted some one else's.

But here's how I think it works. Families are always "together". You can't break up a family. Some say, "Well, a divorce is a family brake up! That's why they call it a 'broken family'"

Not really. Rather, it's a shift in who, does what, with whom, when, where and how. The family structure may have changed, but it is still a family. They have a history. And in most cases, some or all of the members continue varying degrees of contact with each other.

But some one asks: "What if a parent or child abandons or cuts off from the family and is never heard from again?" Sure, that's a painful loss. But active or not, present or not, that person is still a family member, if only mentioned as the "bad apple" we don't talk about.

Here's another way I think these kind of adages can better serve us and our families: they are guidelines to achieve and maintain quality relationships in the family, regardless of it's configuration.

So, what adage has guided you and your family to sustain quality family life? I'd be delighted to hear from you and learn of your success formula.

 
 
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